Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
