so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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