then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
