She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
