so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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