Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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