I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
