my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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