I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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