was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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