he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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