oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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