no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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