My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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