Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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