just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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