so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
