If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
