worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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