You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
