Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
