didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
