Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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