babies were throwing up all over the place
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
