the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
