i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
