My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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