I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
