I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i was born a porn star she said
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
