Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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