People in love make me want to vomit
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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