did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
