i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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