Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
