News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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