I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
