Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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