I am in a vortex of obligation.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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