I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
