thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
