i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
