Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
