OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
