The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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