I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
