Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
