I think I won the penis lottery.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
