He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
