I swear god or herbie drove my car home
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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