apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
